THE ONGOING HOSTAGE CRISIS

[Editor's Note: Despite the massive embarrassment of news organizations from China to Australia, England to Alabama, journalistic integrity demands that the high quality reportage we've all come to expect not grind to a halt merely because we mistook a GI JOE doll for a hostage. Even though yesterday's hostage crisis turned out to be a hoax, this breaking news seems genuine.]

Wednesday, 02 February , 2005, 07:47
(From wire reports)

Dubai: An Islamist group claimed to have taken two more hostages in Iraq and threatened to kill them unless Iraqis held in US prisons were freed within 72 hours, in a statement posted on a Islamist website, along with a photograph of the alleged captives.

"Our heroes from the squadron of the Mujahedeen in Iraq were able to capture these infidels, after having killed a number of their comrades. We will slaughter them if our prisoners held in the jails of the occupation forces are not released within 72 hours," said the statement, whose authenticity could not be confirmed.

The statement was signed by the "Mujahedeen Squadrons - Iraq" and was undated. The group said the ultimatum would begin on publication of the statement.

The photo of the alleged captives showed two men of unknown origin in some sort of uniforms sitting on the ground with their hands in the air and guns pointed at their heads. The unidentified alleged hostages, according to the statement, keep repeating one unidentifiable phrase over and over again. Terrorism experts have suggested that the two were traumatized or even suffered head wounds during their capture. The phrase, transliterated at "oom paloom bah" is thought to be either Kurdish or Urdu by linguistic experts spoken to in the course of filing this report.

"These infidels will meet the same fate as hundreds of their comrades in the occupation armies," the statement said.

--30--

No. Seriously. We were just kidding about the oompaloompas.

We just always hated that stupid movie.

But this one is REAL. We swear it on the grave of Horace Greeley. We swear it on the grave of Bob Woodward.

What? Woodward's not dead? You could have fooled us!

Hahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahahah!

This hostage has just been reported missing by the USO in Tikrit.

This is very serious stuff. NO FOOLIN'!

Sincerely,

The Elite Press Corps

What's that? I hear you laughing?

THIS IS A SERIOUS DOGGONED MATTER!

These insurgent terrorist guys are really serious and they're grabbing hostages left and right.

We just want you to take a look at their latest, pathetic victim, and tell us that your heart is so hard that you don't WEEP to see the depraved depths that these misguided Jihadists are willing to go to in ejecting our lawfully deployed troops from the territory of their lawful deployment.

We're not shilling for the President -- even though he might have paid us a quarter of a million dollars like they did that Armstrong guy -- when we tell you that you ought to thank your lucky stars that the terrorists are focused on Iraq and not on Peoria.

This wouldn't play well in Peoria, or anywhere else in the CIVILIZED world, we'll bet.

Sincerely,

The Elite Press Corps

(who aren't a DARNED bit embarrassed about that GI JOE thing. Hey! We were doing our JOBS!)